Dust Around His Neck

9/26/2009

As I mentioned earlier, there seems to be a concerted effort to enable me to be able to more consistently hear (rather than have to try to see) what’s being said to me. The night before last I heard a lot, for a long time, before I fell asleep. It wasn’t upsetting or distracting at all; the only difficulty was trying to learn to determine what’s coming purely from my sleepy mind, and what’s coming from him (or perhaps others).

The first thing that stood out sounded like, “slobeech”. I wrote it on the little notepad I keep next to my bed at night, and then looked it up in the morning. I believe it was “ts@la (Aramaic for “pray”) bitchah (trust, in Hebrew).” “Pray to trust” is something I’ve heard or seen on one or more other occasions. Once it was accompanied by, “Learn to live in spirit.”

A little later, very clearly, I heard a remarkably long sentence. It began, “I wore the adamah around my neck not as a cross but…” I should have written it down immediately, because I can’t now remember the exact wording of the rest, but it had something to do with teaching people how to live and relate to one another.

I looked up “adamah” in the morning, too, and found that it means, “dust/soil.” At first I thought I must have the wrong definition or something, because that didn’t really seem to make sense. But then I thought, a person with dust or dirt on his neck is out among people, and in the world, rather than being in some protected, clean place where he is separated from others. And I remembered that at one point he referred to himself as a “lonely peasant”. I believe he had a choice, and he chose the one that would give him a life of wandering among the towns where the poor lived and struggled, and on the outskirts where the sick and outcast were made to live.

Integrity/”White Fleece”

9/26/2009

For months now–no, longer than that, if you count the very long time it took for him to get me to stop drinking alcohol (and I stopped a year and four months ago)–one of the most consistent messages I’ve been getting is about becoming “pure” and getting rid of the “nonsense” in my life as well as the things to which people can become “slaves” (the words in quotes are the words he’s used, either in English or in Hebrew, over time; “purge” is another one, often accompanied by the word or concept of “planting” something better). So I no longer drink or smoke; I’m careful about what I eat, and I excercise almost every day (I’ve also lost about 35 pounds, but that’s just a nice side-effect–the real goal has been to make me strong and self-confident). I’m much calmer and more peaceful than I ever was. Given all of my efforts in the past to change on my own, and their ultimate futility, I can assure you that his ability to get me to make those changes are nothing short of miraculous. Take my word for it.

But in the past day or two, as I’ve said in my previous posts about Mesac Damas and what leads people to do atrocious things to one another (or to just hate), I’ve been thinking about the kinds of things that weaken people, and make them susceptible to whatever it is that allows them to do terrible things. And I really do believe at this point that things like alcohol, drugs, poverty, fear, abuse, etc., have a tendency to make people act in ways they’d never act otherwise. Whether the force is from within or without, it gains entry when one has been weakened by other factors.

But it’s important to keep in mind that people who have not been able to avoid or break those weakening habits and factors (as I never would have been able to without his help) are NOT simply inherently bad people, as many would have us believe. A drug addict is not “bad” because he does drugs; he may do terrible things because he is a “slave” to the drugs. And, of course, there are often very real and terrible reasons for people to begin using drugs or alcohol to begin with–abuse and neglect as children often being the reason. This is one of the reasons we’re asked to refrain from judgment–we can never really understand as God does what drives people to do what they do. We can only know and judge ourselves, and even that takes clear vision and determination. The real “sin” is persisting in judging and in making life all the more difficult for others who are in trouble. When I saw the word “mercy” in relation to Mesac Damas, I believe that that was what was meant (and I am as horrified as anyone else to the point of sickness by what he did to his wife and children).

In any case, I was told two things this morning which I believe have to do with maintaining the kind of strength that is more likely to allow us to resist ugliness, hatred, violence, etc., whether their source is from within us or external (the jury is still out on the latter, as far as I’m concerned, but I have a feeling that I will understand more in the coming days). The first was, “pas arasas”, which translates (I think) as “Step firmly/with strength”. The other was “Labal (probably “labab”) gasa”–”white fleece” (there’s that “lamb” reference yet again).

(As I finished writing the above, and asked if what I wrote was OK, he said, “labal masar”–”Understand trap (mazowr–which can also mean “wound”, which is also appropriate, if you think of it in terms of the kinds of wounds that can lead people to become ensnared)”)

One of my favorite quotes from the Bible is “God desires mercy, not sacrifice.” Understanding the “wounds” and the “traps”, perhaps, gives us the foundations for mercy.

I’m basically just “thinking out loud” (or online) here, trying to put together the things I’ve been told over the past few days, as well as the things that have happened over the past couple of years. As always, it’s consistent, and I know that it’s leading somewhere.

Mercy, Enticement, and Mesac Damas

9/25/2009

The second thing I heard yesterday came as I was making dinner. I heard what sounded like, “Meshaq medrac.” (That was, in fact, what led me to the passage in Daniel; somehow I’d remembered that “Meschach” was the name of one of Daniel’s buddies who had survived the fires of the furnace, so I went and looked it up.)

But I also remembered that “Mesac” (Damas) is the name of the man who killed his family in Naples, Florida (and in my dream—see post before last).

I should start by saying that I’ve been asking a lot lately—in reference to the Damas family and many other things—what makes people do such unspeakable things. Certainly sometimes it’s mental illness, pure and simple (or not pure and simple at all). I know it’s not God playing some kind of twisted, vengeful, divine game; it’s not God’s nature at all, as I know now. And, although the idea has always sounded kind of silly and antiquated to me—not to mention being a poor excuse for bad behavior—I’ve also had to wonder if there really is some kind of “opposing force” out there. I think of the souls/spirits who were SO determined to really destroy me a couple of years back when this all began, and I’ve often shuddered to think what would happen to someone who experienced all that without the same guidance and protection that I’ve been blessed to have. They could, I thought, easily seem “schizophrenic”, but be living in absolute terror of things that are actually very real.

And I think of some of the things that have been said to me about those times—“it’s political” was one that really shocked me (it was quite a while ago). The other, of course, was “Light needs darkness to be seen.” Still, I resist the idea.

But back to Mesac Damas. Yesterday in particular I was also asking why I’d dreamed that particular dream with such detail, in advance of the actual murders, and why I’d been presented yet again (something similar happened last year) with a horrifying case of a black man (the first a Katrina refugee, the second a Haitian man—both likely to face additional animosity from some people based on race and class issues) suddenly killing his children for no comprehensible reason. There hadn’t been enough information in the dream for me to have warned anyone, and I’m no longer asked to speak to and pray for lost souls (as I was in the previous case). But he told me yesterday that there was, in fact, a reason.

Just before I went to look up “Meshaq medrac” in the Hebrew lexicon, I asked yet again, and saw the word “mercy” clearly spelled out…twice. I also saw the word, “black.”

When I looked at the lexicon I realized that what I’d actually heard was, “Mesac madduwach.” “Madduwach” means, “seduction/enticement/”misleading oracle.” Mesac, I seemed to be being told, had been “seduced” or “enticed” into doing what he did.

Just after I looked that up, I went on CNN.com to see what was happening in the case. I read that, while being arrested, Mesac claimed that he was led to kill by some kind of evil spirit (something having to do with his mother-in-law, which probably has nothing to do with it). He was saying, “There is a Satan,” and, “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?” I was astonished to have found that just after looking up the meaning of what I’d been told. (I also saw the beginnings of some racist comments about the incident online, as I had in the previous case.)

As I’ve said, I think about people left with no protection when they’re “attacked,” as I was back then (it never happens to me anymore). They could easily be driven to the worst things possible, especially when already weakened by other factors like substance abuse (there’s a very good reason that I was pushed so hard to stop drinking alcohol), poverty, and other stresses. No one could, on their own, just decide one day to cut the throats of his wife and children, and then go off to work, unless he was completely insane or, perhaps, “enticed.”

The man wants to be executed, he says. God doesn’t want that to happen, if I’m understanding things (I’m certain that God never wants anyone to be executed, in any case). I said, “The man just killed his whole family and will have to live with that knowledge…what if he really wants to die?” The answer was, “He’ll pay the price.” I don’t know exactly what was meant by that.

Anyway, there WAS a reason that I had that particular dream, and it has to do with mercy.

Wise and Shining

9/25/2009

Yesterday he said something that I’ve been waiting a long time to hear—“Learn total listening.” I knew that he meant that we can finally begin to work on talking without my having to “read” (which is damned inconvenient sometimes)—that my being able to actually hear things that are being said to me can now extend beyond those limited periods somewhere between sleeping and waking.

It started in the morning when I was already up and showered and wide-awake: I heard, “Ben zahari.” I got online and looked it up. There were a number of possible ways to translate it:

“b@na”—Aramaic for “build”
“biyn”—Hebrew for understanding, or perhaps wisdom
“zahar”—Hebrew for “warn/teach/send out light/be shining” (in Aramaic, “z@har” means just, “warn”)

In the evening, by a series of pure “coincidences” (I really no longer believe that there is any such thing), I happened to be reading Daniel 12, where it says:

And they that shall be WISE shall SHINE AS THE BRIGHTNESS of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever

“Clairvoyance”

9/22/2009

This is in some ways off-topic, although I’ve also come to see it as all related–all part of a gift I’ve been given to use (or not use) wisely.

During the first two years or so of this “journey” (there’s that dumb word again), I started to have dreams that either predicted things that would happen, or that had happened but I hadn’t heard about yet. Usually, they were about things like natural disasters, and one or two were about murders. They never had anything to do with me personally; they seemed to happen quite randomly aside from the fact that quite a few occurred in Florida, where I spend a lot of time. I wasn’t sure what, if anything, I was supposed to do about them. The only thing I DID know was that I wasn’t about to hang a “psychic” sign outside my door and try to make a living at it or something. I knew, as I said, that it was a gift from God with some other (so far unknowable) purpose, and that it would be tacky, to say the least, to try to “merchandise” a gift like that.

But it hasn’t happened in a while. Early last week, however, I had a dream about being in what I think was a church. There was a man there who seemed to be my husband, and he was attacking me. Then he took off, and I knew that he was going to kill his five children somewhere, and possibly his wife (who was somehow now someone other than me). After that I saw him driving, as if trying to make an escape, over the Golden Gate Bridge.

Because it seemed so much like the “premonition” dreams I used to have, I did kind of keep my eye on the news for a few days, and then I pretty much forgot about it. But then, a few days ago, a headline about a man who had killed his wife and five children in Naples, Florida, caught my eye. I knew right away that it had to do with my dream, but I couldn’t figure out where the “Golden Gate” part would come from.

I just found out. The man who killed his family–Mesac Damas–apparently lived in a section of Naples close to (or perhaps in) an area called “Golden Gate.” I looked further into it, and found that there is a “Golden Gate exchange” that is on I-75–the road one would probably take to Miami Airport, from where the man flew to Haiti when he tried to get away after the murder. (There’s also a school in Naples called Golden Gate–I’m wondering if any of the children attended it.)

I told a friend, and she said that perhaps I should “get involved.” But even if I had any kind of information that would help (and the man is already in custody), I have a feeling that that would be the wrong thing to do. I just wonder why this is happening again now. I’m thinking that it’s most likely kind of a “side-effect” of what’s been happening–perhaps even a distraction or a test to see what I will do with it.

I don’t intend to do anything with it, other than writing about it here, just to get it off of my chest and remember it in the future, long after I would have otherwise forgotten.

God’s Hand, Again

9/22/2009

I finally have a decisive answer on what I was being told when I heard what sounded like “briadora” in my head as I woke up from a nap a while back. He actually, finally, told me, which is something he rarely does (I believe, as I’ve said before, that he likes to have me try to figure out all of the possible meanings of things, and I think he also sees it as a good way for me to learn more Hebrew/Aramaic/whatever language we’re working with at the moment). Telling me this time was like a gift.

I’d thought it was something like “Bara yad owr”–”Creator’s hand light.” Later, though, I’d found that the word “duwra” is Aramaic for “dwelling” (or perhaps dwell). That sounded a lot more like what I’d heard, but I wasn’t sure.

Finally, he said, “Bara–Creator; yad–hand; duwra–dwell.” So it should be, “Dwell in the Creator’s hand,” (I’m not sure it would be grammatically correct; he tends to give me the simple versions because I don’t know conjugations, etc., and it would just confuse me all the more if I had to figure out the various forms) which is what I’ve been being taught to do, I believe. A Buddhist might call it “enlightenment”; I think it’s also what Yeshua meant when he talked about the “Kingdom of God,”, and what Black Elk would call “walking in beauty,” and in a “sacred manner.” But with me it’s slow and gradual, rather than one of those sudden flashes, and I’ve got a way to go. But I love getting there.

It’s an invitation, but it’s not just for me.

Wall of Hatred

9/21/2009

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it is that makes people (myself included) hate, want to create divisions and excuses not to care for each other and for creation, and jealously cling to what’s “ours”, even if it means letting other starve. I still don’t believe that there is a “Satan” other than ourselves; the responsibility to change is ours. And it’s not easy. Very gently, I’ve been being asked and taught how to refrain from acting on my own old instincts–to act out of love rather than selfishness. He constantly asks me to find new approaches to old problems–to, as he said a long time ago, “Listen to his voice” rather than the “old voices” of the past. Sometimes I think I’m making progress, and other times I’m overwhelmed with shame at the way I’ve allowed the old instincts to affect the way I behave. His patience with me astonishes me.

In any case, during a nap yesterday I heard a surprisingly long and complicated-sounding sentence. I asked him if it was Hebrew (because it didn’t really sound all that Hebrew to me, but what do I know?), and he said it was. So I went dutifully to my lexicon.

The sentence sounded like, “Tera nu lenzangati” (the last word, I thought, sounded like an Italian sportscar or something). Here’s how I translated it, though:

“t@ra” (pronounced tera)–an Aramaic word for door or gate

“nuw”–to hinder or hold back

“iylan”–an Aramaic word for “tree”

“sin’ah”–hatred

“gadel”–become great/grow up

So I think it meant something like, “gate that keeps the tree of hatred from growing.”

But the “gate” seems to be something that has to be built, and it’s slow going. But I’ve been seeing that at the hearts of the various spiritual traditions in their purest forms–Buddhism, Christianity, Native American spirituality, Islam, Hinduism, etc.–are the instructions for building the gate, and that the instructions and the desire to see us use them are all from the same source.

(After I wrote this, he said, “benos yos.” “Beyn” means “build” in Aramaic. I couldn’t find “yos”, but I found “yosher”–it’s possible that I didn’t see the last part of the word; that happens, especially when I’m in a hurry to look something up. “Yosher” means “uprightness/straightness/integrity”–the “gate”, in other words, I assume.)

Hopi “Waves”

9/16/2009

A little over a month ago, I posted the following. I wanted to post it again now that I figured out how to make a (very bad) representation of the symbol to which it refers (below the post). Please forgive my lack of artistic ability, combined with my ineptitude with the “Paint” program; they symbol looks much more elegant when it’s drawn out for me, and on the piece of pottery:

8/8/2009

From almost the very beginning of when all of these experiences began, back in early 2007, I’ve been seeing a symbol. At the beginning, I would see it drawn out in front of me as if by a finger I couldn’t see, insistently, over and over, as if it was the most important thing in the world that I see and understood it.

I didn’t understand it. I’ll try to describe it: a series of ascending “waves”, culminating in a very large one that looked like a tidal wave rising up at the end, over the other ones. It changed very little over time, and sometimes I still see it. I also came across pretty much the exact same image on a bit of broken, ancient Anasazi or Hopi pottery in Arizona last year (I also saw similar images among the petroglyphs in the Petrified Forest there).

An archaeologist working in the area told me a short time later that the Hopi had told him that, in order for them to gain access to the “Fourth World”, they were bidden to ““Love the Creator, love each other, care for the land, water, and air” (sound familiar?). Then I drew the symbol for him; he told me that it was a representation of the relationship between the spirit world and this one (someone else told me that it represented the “steps to Heaven” for the Hopi).

A week or two ago, I saw, “Symbol of waves is my soul.” That was all; there was (as is often the case) no further explanation, as if I was expected to think about what that might mean on my own. All I came up with is that his soul had been on a long path, and that perhaps each of the waves represented a life lived.

And then, a few days ago, he started the day by saying, “Big day”–I took that to mean that something really interesting would happen. A little later he said, “Gladab wasab”, which seems to mean something like “reveal secret” (”g@lah” means “reveal, as in a secret”, and “owtsar” means “treasure”).

In the evening he said, “Bitab morbad” (I think that was how it was spelled out), which seems to mean “in exchange.” And then, in very small, precise letters, he said, “I was lamb.”

When I got into bed that night he said something that actually made me feel that my heart had stopped beating for a few seconds–”Many lambs, one soul.”

In the morning he tried to tell me more, but all I could make out was, “Peace…all same…tools same.”

I’m coming to my own conclusions about what he meant (and how that symbol made its way to the Arizona desert), but I’ll leave you to arrive at your own.

Seeds and Purging

9/16/2009

It’s rare that I’m told anything in Greek, but it’s happened once or twice (and no–I never studied Greek, either, even though I’d probably want to live in Greece more than I would anywhere else in the world…). A post from months ago mentions my being told the word “suzigos” (I’m not sure exactly how it was spelled at this point), which means, basically, married/bound together (in a good way).

Very early this morning, though, as I lay in bed half-awake in the dark, I heard, “apokeris mizzo.” Of course I knew that the first word had to be Greek just from the way it sounded; the second one sounded more likely to be Hebrew, and he confirmed that it was (he’s kind of getting into mixing things up these days, but that’s actually not all that surprising when I think about it).

I should first mention that there has been a lot about things being planted and growing (within me, I believe) lately–mostly notably the remark yesterday about the “strength of new grass.”

Anyway, “apokueo” means “bring forth/give birth to.” At first, I couldn’t figure out what “mizzo” might be, so I asked him and he said, “mos.” “Mowtsa” means, “going forth/issue/seed.” Then I found the word “mizra”–”sown fields.” I’m not sure how to put the phrase together, but the meaning is pretty clear.

Later, I saw, “sawad baros.” First I found “tsow-ah”, which means, “filth”, but I couldn’t figure out why he would mention filth. Then I found “barar”–”purify/cleanse/purge.” Purge the filth.

(Also, on the Aramaic/Hebrew phrase I heard about the lamb, “limmaret” or, “l’immar erets,” I believe, I was asking for clarification. I asked if the “l” prefix meant “to” or “for”, and he said, “for.” So it seems to translate as “earth/land for the lamb.” I said I still didn’t understand, and asked for a hint. He said, “blossom,” and then “peace.” A place for the lamb to grow, or “blossom”, I think…It seems to be part of the same beautiful theme.)

Voices

9/15/2009

As I believe I’ve mentioned here before, back when all of this started, nearly three years ago, and I realized that things were starting to happen to me that you just don’t run into every day, I asked (this was before anyone actually started talking to me in any direct way) that, when and if anyone DID speak to me, it be in some form other than voices. I just wanted to be quite clear in my own mind that I hadn’t become schizophrenic, and that if anyone ever asked if I hear voices I could honestly say, “No.” I must admit that at the time I was still a little concerned that I might be going a little crazy (one thing that helped me at that point was that I came across some articles on psychosis versus “spiritual emergence/spiritual emergency”).

My wish was granted and, for a long time, I realized what a very good thing that turned out to be. I would have been inundated with voices and, even if I weren’t schizophrenic, I’d probably have been unable to function. There were a lot of people talking to me, and some were very frightened, and some were very angry.

Most of that has now passed; it seems that I was being shown what’s “out there” and how to deal with it (the advice was always the same–”love them”, and pray for them).

Once things calmed down, however, I started to regret my original request, and wish that there were a more convenient way to communicate than by seeing words written out in front of me, which only works under certain circumstances. I’ve been asking for an adjustment, so that we could talk more easily.

Apparently, I’m slowly getting my wish. More and more often I hear things that I know don’t come from me (often I know because they’re in other languages that I don’t know, yet make sense when I find ways to translate what’s been said). Usually it happens just as I’m going to sleep or waking up, but more and more I’m fairly conscious when it happens, so that I can rouse myself to write it down to remember what was said and look it up later if need be.

That said, I’m now hearing words and phrases not just in English and Hebrew (or Aramaic), but also in what seem to be Sanskrit, Pali, and Lakota (I usually know which language we’re dealing with because he tells me, or because I can guess because of the context of things we’ve been discussing).

Anyway, the night before last was particularly successful in that way. The two clearest things I heard (and I was quite awake when I heard them) sounded like, “date dovey” and “limmaret.”

It seemed most likely that they would be found in the Hebrew lexicon I use; I was right. “Date dovey”, I think, would be translated this way:

dethe (Aramaic word; the “e’s” are pronounced as long “a’s”)–”(new)” grass”

dovey–would actually be “dobe” (“b’s” are pronounced as “v’s”, I’ve learned)–”strength”

So it meant something like, “strength of new grass,” which I actually understood the meaning of (it’s about something having been “planted” in me, and growing and becoming stronger as new grass does). He’s such a poet, as I always say.

“Limmaret” was a little less clear, but it seems that I’m meant to try to meditate a little on some of the things he says to me so that I can come to my own understanding (like, “God gave waves to make water talk”, etc.).

“Immar” is yet another word for “lamb” (a word I hear very often these days!), in Aramaic. The “l” prefix, I believe, is a preposition meaning “to” or “for”. “Erets” is a Hebrew word for land or earth (“earth as opposed to heaven”, as the lexicon explains it). The best I can come up with so far, then, is “To the lamb the earth,” or something along those lines. Any help on that one would be appreciated…