I’m a 47-year-old woman living in the northeastern U.S., raising a truly beautiful and astonishingly kind, compassionate, and intelligent 10-year-old boy.
About two and a half years ago, through no efforts of my own, and to my astonishment (as I was never one to believe that these kinds of things really happened–at least not to the relatively sane), I began to have what I suppose some would refer to as a “spiritual awakening” (the term sounds really hokey to me, but I can’t think of anything better). All of that is detailed in the early parts of this blog.
The experiences were by turns (or sometimes simultaneously) inexpressibly beautiful, terrifying, enlightening, funny, and, most recently, spiritual in a much deeper way than I’d originally thought (for a short time, I’d been thinking in terms of the “paranormal”, being “psychic” or a “medium”, etc., but I soon realized that there was more to what was happening than that).
In an effort to make it easier for readers who just happen upon the latter part of the blog to understand what’s happening, part of my “journey” (another word I’m not crazy about, but so be it) involves not hearing voices, but seeing words–sometimes with astonishing clarity, other times not so much–written out in front of me. The obvious conclusion would be that I’ve simply gone nuts, except that, in the past few months, much of what has been said to me has been in Hebrew (with the occasional Aramaic or Greek thrown in)–a language I’ve never known (beyond “shalom“), or studied (I spend a lot of time looking things up using an online Hebrew lexicon). For more explanation than that, I’d prefer that you just read the posts, and draw your own conclusions.
I’m not insane (although I’m perfectly aware that it all sounds insane), and I am telling the truth. I function perfectly well (probably better than ever) in my day-to-day life, and no one who knows me seems to be concerned about my mental health (well, if they are they haven’t mentioned it, and this has been going on for some time now). Of course, I have no way to convince you of that. I can only tell you that, if I’m insane, I’m the happiest (more consistently happy than I’ve ever been in my life), healthiest, most peaceful, and most fulfilled insane person you’d ever hope to meet, and I can only hope that the insanity continues and flourishes.
Don’t see Mary Magdalene here.
Am I at the wrong door?
Speaking of good old Mary, I have a post “in the can,” as we in the daily newspaper business used to call a pre-written story that could be used at anytime.
I think the time is right, just after noon today!
That’ll make my post for the day when published. (I have been trying to write something each day. Today, I have EFT in the afternoon and Reflexology at night. Must meditate in between, but you have been an “attractive distraction.” And i enjoy your “words.”
Keep an eye out for Mary and her message!
michael j
I look forward to it! If you think of it later, please write and remind me to take a look…my mind can be such a sieve…
Mary’s all through this, pretty much. I didn’t “get” the whole tagging thing when I first started the blog, but if you do a search on it for “Mary” and begin with the oldest results it will make more sense (maybe starting with the posts from October, ’08, in order to get the best sense of how it all developed).
I just noticed that it’s “just after noon”–I’ll go check your blog now!
Nancy
Hi there
I am glad to find your blog. I wonder if you have heard of Adyashanti? His book, The End of Your World might be something you are interested in. (It isalso available as an audio CD set, with him reading it). His website is http://www.adyashanti.org/
warmly
Katie
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Katie! I just glanced at the blog you mentioned, and I’m looking forward to reading more (and I’ll take a look at yours, too).
Nancy
I found your blog through Contoveros. Have always liked your thoughtful comments. Am now reading your blog. I have been losing my hearing since I was 19 and I’m nearly deaf now. Like you, I have had some weirdly psychic experiences my entire life starting around age three or four when I knew I would become deaf someday. I have never understood why these things happen. I have no control over “knowing” it just hits and it comes at the strangest times. I believe their is a guardian spirit watching over me and I also believe I met her once during a flat tire I perceived was going to happen twenty minutes before it occurred. She knocked on my window, told me to pull over then disappeared into the mist. Her car was gone and everything. The more my hearing has gone, the more spiritual I’ve become. I don’t know of another word to describe it. I am looking for spiritual guidance. Reading blogs like yours and Michael’s helps me to ‘normalize’ it somewhat. I do NOT consider myself psychic, so it’s confusing when things happen. I don’t understand what it happening to me or why. At the very least it is helpful to know others have experienced similar things and they aren’t crazy. I’m bookmarking you. Thanks
Hi, Kim,
Thank you so much for writing. I’ve enjoyed your comments on Michael’s blog, too.
I was relieved when I finally figured out that I wasn’t crazy, too!
And for a long time I, like you, kept looking for someone who could “explain” things to me (on things like “psychic”/mystic message boards, etc.), or at least someone whose experiences were similar. At first, I was surprised that I couldn’t. What I finally came to understand is that that’s OK, and there is no “formula”; I’ve gone through a lot with all of this, but it’s led me to a really beautiful place. I was reading some old journals yesterday, and shaking my head at what a train-wreck I was before–just a mass of insecurities and anxieties and borderline addictions…you name it. I don’t even approach “perfect” now, but my life as a result of all that’s happened is now peaceful, fulfilling, and very often downright blissful.
By all of that I only mean to say that I was “taught” to kind of go with the flow and allow things to happen without putting any labels (like “psychic”) on it, or to try to put it into some framework dreamed up by some other person. At first, I heard a lot of “voices,” but I was always told to “listen to love” when in doubt.
It’s interesting and kind of beautiful that you say you’ve become more spiritual with your hearing loss. It can’t be easy, but maybe there is a purpose to it–something that will lead you somewhere you might not have been likely to get to otherwise.
So–not that you asked for “advice”!–I would only say think of it as a journey that will last your entire life, don’t let anyone else try to define it for you, be open to it, and, if you get confused as to how to proceed, remember that you always know in your heart what is right…act out of love. (I’m not saying in the least that I’ve got that one perfected, but I’m working on it!)
Thanks again, and I hope we get to “talk” more!
Nancy
That’s because you are a diamond in the rough Nancy!
Thanks for sharing your story Kim. It was much appreciated.
REALLY rough sometimes! Trying to scrape down to the “diamond” part, but it’s a really long process and (to quote Michael Corleone in “Godfather III”), “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!.” That’s OK–I’ve got time.
Thank you Nancy. I’ll keep in mind to go with love, and also to go in courage, as I’ve been getting that message a lot lately– not to fear. About the hearing loss– because I knew I would lose my hearing about fifteen years before it was diagnosed, in my heart I have always known it was preordained– and not a punishment or bad karma or whatever.
I understand what you mean by not putting labels on it. Labels box you in and limit growth. I do not have words to adequately describe some of the things that have happened to me.
I find it interesting that you SEE words. In my case, I HEAR voices, and I find that so strange b/c I have such a hard time understanding speech in the real world. But I don’t hear the voices in the normal way. Messages seem to be coming auditorily from outside me, but they’re within, except they aren’t my thoughts. This is very difficult to explain. What I’m understanding this to mean is that I don’t need my hearing. I know this sounds crazy. But I assure you I am not. I am 52, married, have raised three wonderful kids and I work in a library. I don’t drink because it gives me headaches and I avoid drugs because many seem to give me tinnitus. I’m just a boring middle-aged woman. lol
From one “boring middle-aged woman” to another
…
I do know exactly what you’re talking about with the “voices,” as that happens to me (as opposed to having to read stuff, which is really pretty damned inconvenient!) with increasing frequency. It’s just as you describe, and the fact that what I hear is often in different languages, or referring to things that exist but that I had no prior knowledge of, lets me know that they’re not “my own thoughts”, or my imagination, either. (As with the reading, when I go and translate what I’ve heard, it usually makes perfect sense in that language–usually Hebrew). When all of this started a few years ago, I remember specifically asking that I NOT hear voices, because I knew that I’d start thinking (or others would) that I was schizophrenic. My request was honored, and I started seeing the words. But now that I have a better grasp on things, and know that I’m not crazy, and it would make it SO much easier to simply hear stuff, that’s slowly starting to happen in a very controlled way. I’m well cared-for…
It really is so amazing about the hearing loss. Maybe it’s so that you can “hear” the other stuff better, because it’s important. I really do believe, based on my experiences, that these things don’t just happen by chance–that God (however you define God) puts some serious thought into things! So yes–don’t be afraid. You’re in good hands.
You mention drinking and drugs. When all of this started a few years ago, it was made VERY clear to me, in words, over and over, that my days of doing those things needed to be over. It took “them” a while to get me to do it completely, but I finally stopped all of that. And I realized how much those things interfered with what was happening, and made me vulnerable. It’s been two years, and I’ve never been so damn clean and healthy in my life (much to my chagrin, at first!).
Do you have a blog? I’m really glad that you wrote, and I’d love to hear more about you, if you want to share things.
Have a wonderful day–
Nancy
Hi Nancy,
Yes I have a blog, but mostly I write about hearing loss issues because I believe my current “mission” is to reach people in need of information about hearing loss. Once a week, like today, I publish a Photo Hunter post for my own personal fun, but also occasionally a person looking at photos comes back to read more about hearing loss.
I would love to exchange emails with you. I believe I found you for a reason. No pressure here. LOL
Hi, Kim,
I sent you an email a couple of days ago, but I’m not sure that it went to the right address. In any case, my address is nancysdp at gmail dot com, if you’d like to write.
Nancy
Forgot to post the blog addy http://www.faceme.wordpress.com
Middle age is as middle age does.
Phooey on that stuff. I’m struttin’ my stuff so that God can clearly see that young rascal he put on this Earth to keep a closer eye to insure he don’t get to be one of those “old” types comparing ailments, cures and need for rest.
Rage on, fight the rain, curse at the devil and go boldly into the sun with a smile proclaiming you’re special, so special there ain’t but one of you in the whole wide world.
What’s that you say, God. One of me is enough in this world?
Well, thank you for the comment. And give a big hug and kiss to these two fine women who pick up your messages in their special ways. I love both of ‘em. Wish I was with them right now with this second glass of wine (I still inbibe Lord, just like Jesus did at the wedding and his last supper. Which one acts like Mary Magdeline, you ask? Well, they both do, when they get on the dance floor and whirl with scarf abandonment. To touch each, to hug, to look into their eyes and offer my everlasting love is all I ask of you God.
Tomorrow, I ask for less of a hangover.
(Another sip of wine)
Lost for words. Time’s getting late. Love flourishs better when rested overnight.
Parting is indeed a sorrow. Wait. Another sip, please. Yes, goblet empty. My path to bed awaits my next few steps.
Goodbye sweet ladies. See you in the merry month of May if not sooner.
michael j
(What, there’s at least one more day left in April? Oh well, just have to break out another jug tomorrow night.)
Hey, Michael!
You almost make me wish I still drank, so that I could have a few glasses of wine with you! Well, look me up if you ever head the few miles east toward Hoboken. I’ll have a few O’Doul’s, and if I’m not mistaken some of the establishments in this town serve wine…
By the way, I can’t dance (scarf or no scarf), so I guess I’m out of the running…
xo,
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
I just read your response to Michael J’s most recent entry about the train. Thank you for introducing me to the idea of a “Holy Fool!” It describes who I’ve become myself in the last year. I appreciate having some language with which to describe myself. It is comforting, especially when trying to explain myself to those who don’t quite understand.
I began blogging just a few months ago – kind of new to the whole thing- but its given me an outlet to try and articulate everything.
I’m happy to have found your blog. I’ll have to stop back and visit!
Peace and Joy,
Chris
Hi, Chris,
I’m glad that I was able to give you something to “work with” as you try to explain yourself to others (and perhaps yourself, a bit?)! It’s funny–I’d never used that expression before, and had no idea where it came from or what it meant, but it popped into my head as I read Michael’s post so I went and Googled it (I’m learning that listening to “hunches” like that almost always leads to something cool…).
I’ll take a look at your blog today–anyone who recognizes himself or herself in a phrase like “holy fool” must have some pretty intriguing things to say!
Thanks for writing.
Nancy